My alarm goes off at six in the morning.
I want to believe that there is still a sense of wonder within me. But I am always taking life seventeen steps at a time. I invite exhaustion and I welcome stress and – I ask: Is there a better way? The answer, always, a resounding YES. My response? Always a roll of the eyes.
I want to know that somewhere inside me, there’s an excited impulse to take every moment with both hands. Some mornings it’s there and I’m awake at 5AM – and I am calm. But more often, I find myself hiding from the morning: pulling blankets closer and pressing snooze over and over.
It’s these days that always get me. The unwanted moments, constantly cascading. And I am supposed to enjoy this?
On a sunny day, I’m smiling. Wrapped up in warmth, I’m calm. And all the other moments? It’s gum wrappers and tea left in mugs, orange peels and half-written essays on notebook paper. It’s a pile of clothes on the floor and walking into work late. It’s texts sent in the middle of class. It’s shoes untied. It’s assigned reading half-read and gas tank on empty. It’s sketchbooks left at home and sink full of dishes.
I think about being in high school and wanting to be here. I think about being here and wanting to have graduated. Where does it all stop? We’re in a Tuesday wishing for a Friday – for what?
Wanting only one out of the seven isn’t cutting it for me.
They say the bad days are inevitable but it’s like … are you sure? I’m probably always going to push back against that. Maybe it is impossible for every day to be good, but I just feel like waking up every morning believing in that impossibility is going to leave me with more bad days than necessary. A lot of it is out of my hands, but so much more than I realize depends on choice and perspective and noticing. And that’s what I’ve been thinking about this past month – how good the days are when I let them be. When I let them be.
Whenever I catch myself in those moments when everything I have to do is unwanted and I’m asking is there a better way, I know – I know! – there is. And it’s always a matter of opening mind and heart.
I believe so strongly that it’s the choosing that makes the day. It’s crazy how natural it is for me to choose to be annoyed and stressed out; it’s crazy how hard it is for me to choose joy and fullness. Even when it’s as simple as that. There are still so many mornings when I don’t, but I’m trying to choose to see the wonder. I want to look into the morning sky and choose to see the beautiful moments I have. I want to choose to take time slowly and make the day – every day – a sincere thanks for grace, for time, for peace…for it all. •
January Credits: + Journeywomen Ep. 01 "Forgiveness with Carrie Langemeier" + On Being: "Isabel Wilkerson – The Heart Is the Last Frontier" ++ "Christian Wiman – How Does One Remember God?" ++ "Ellen Langer – Science of Mindlessness and Mindfulness" ++ "Atul Gawande – What Matters in the End" ++ "Joan Halifax – Buoyancy Rather than Burnout in Our Lives" ++ "Arnold Eisen – The Opposite of Good is Indifference" ++ "John O'Donohue – The Inner Landscape of Beauty" ++ "Brené Brown – Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart" + Girl's Night #14: "How to know God's Will For Your Life" ++ #13: "Overcoming Discouragement in the Pursuit of your Dreams" + what the eff episode 11: "Priming!" + @biblesandcoffee on instagram + One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp + Starbucks iced coffee (always & forever) + "i have tried loving less but that hurts just the same" –Gemma Troy