Quickly, quickly, time passes.
I graduated two weeks ago. I had my senior recital and my grad party on the 17th. A long list of things to do before graduation is in the trash with everything crossed off. And I am officially done with high school.
I’m feeling a weird mixture of emotions right now because I always imagined these moments would be different, and while nothing has met the expectations I had as a fourteen-year-old, it’s all so much better in a way. I keep saying this over and over, but I am happy. I am happy and excited about the future. I’m excited to move to Oklahoma in August. I’m excited to be an English major. I’m excited to see what comes next, but more than all that, I am excited about this moment.
I know I said in January that I wanted to blog more this year and then proceeded to drop off the face of the earth. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without posting since I started blogging in 2008. While it has definitely felt weird not to update for four months, my life has been so full. Everyday I find myself surrounded by people who are irreplaceable. People who I don’t have to write blog posts about to appreciate. And the moments. Moments of looking up at the stars, talking outside under the moonlight, smiling in the sun, watching rain slide against the windshield…I’ve found that I don’t have to record these moments or make art about these moments or say anything to anyone about these moments for them to be important to me. I carry with me what sticks, and I have found that this is enough.
Blogging is no longer what I cling to in order to feel validated about my thoughts and experiences. And that is so important because now I finally find myself at a place where I can just write. I am still finding the voice that just tells and doesn’t feel the need to hear a response. I am still finding the voice that notices value in a life that isn’t groundbreaking but, instead, is quiet and gentle and somehow still so full. I am still finding the voice that realizes that this is enough.
As I said before, I’m going to college in Oklahoma this fall and while that’s putting me on the same campus as my two older siblings, it’s taking me miles away from my parents, my two younger sisters, and all of my best friends. I always said that I would go and now that I am, I can say that I never expected it to feel this way. Since starting work at the local library almost two years ago, I can no longer look at my small town like an outsider. I see people I know whenever I’m in town. I know the troublemakers and the sweetest old people. In a weird, weird way that I never expected, leaving Iowa is not going to be a clean cut. I always said it would be; I always claimed I didn’t really care; but this town, my family, and my friends have all put up a good fight trying to keep me here. I know that when I come back I’ll have changed and they’ll have changed and while I can still expect it to feel so much like home, I can never expect it to be the same as it is now. These are the only moments I have that will ever be like this and as surreal as that is, I am going. I am going. I am going.
I want to keep blogging this year, especially now as life continues to change almost every day. I want to keep blogging as I start college––to keep this space open as a place for people I know to see what I’m doing and thinking in a more organized and put together way than it would be if they were to ask me. I want to keep blogging through this life because I am seventeen and graduated and happy and I have found that this is enough.
I have found that this is enough.